I wanted to write tihs article for a long while. Things that i will write was in my mind for several weeks. How long does it take to miss? Does it good to miss or do we need to do something else? I supposed to there is no correct or acceptable answer for these kind of subject, the only right thing is “the my way of thinking”.
I missed my grandma, so much. Mercy of god, the anniversary of her passing away… what ever we say, she is not with us anymore.She was sick in her last years, and she said several times that she was bored with living and missed my grandmother. According to her belief, she will see my grandmother when she dies. I am not sorry for her, I can even say it was good.
I questioned myself about saying “it was good”, but it is not known whether it was my personality trait or not, I did not see anything wrong in myself. It would be selfish, at best, to wish someone who is tired of living anyway to continue to live, in a sick way. But people are constantly wishing each other long life without knowing it, interesting.
I dreamed her twice after she died. I also saw her in my dream, the morning she died, just before she died. I remember all three dreams very well. After the last dream I saw her, I wanted to see her once again, but I did not see. In my two dreams after she died, conversation between us is just like in her style. I cannot speak clearly because we do not know if there is life after death. But even if there is no life, our brain blends our lifelong memories, what we hear, what we see, and makes its show in our sleep.
I was in the office the day she died, it was early morning. It was the first hours of the shift. When the news came, I closed my laptop and set off immediately. Driving to hometown takes 2.5 hours in a normal day but that day, It was my toughest drive and took 6-7 hours. Driving has never been so difficult. I do not remember how many times i stopped or turned to wrong way. After all, i stopped at a wineyard before went to funeral, rest and i got calm down after drinking a bottle of red wine. Only after all i was able to continue to drive. Finally when i arrived to her home, i stopped somewhere sees the house approximately 40 minutes. I could not move even a step, i just freezed. The hardest part was to walk into the room, her home. The funeral was not that difficult, in fact i had to see her in there to admit the situation. I especially went and looked closely, while they putting her into the grave. While the soil was being thrown on her, I threw it, looked thoroughly, and made sure that the land was covered. It sounds psychopathic, but it was necessary for me to admit her death.
I started to writing as I missed her and I have written a lot of things so far but I could not write how much I missed my grandmother. Everyone’s lost is too great for himself/herself. I think about my mother’s feelings. She misses the most because she is her mother and she seems to have the right to miss the most with an unwritten rule, does not she?
ALL IN MY MIND
But my grandmother raised me. She had a great effort on me while i was growing up, as much my mothers’ as. She was my role model.She loved pasta, ice cream and popcorn, and so me too. The stories she told me while i was growing up, the articles she made me read even on subjects that she was not interested in so that I could read better and just other things between the two of us… All in my mind.
It’s been over a year since she passed away, but my longing for her has never subsided. People also say that time is the medicine for everything, but it is not. My longing has increased rather than decreased, unfortunately I missed it very much.